Please come back home
by LAIsobel
Summary: Jack is in DC, thinking, walking, remembering, sipping his coffee... how he sees his life now? Story from his point of view, a bit different from my other usual stories... based upon a song... Well, that should be it. Rating just to be sure! Yep...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Hmm… another song that brought me to another story. I wanted to write something based upon this song but I couldn't find the right thing to write about… well I think I might have found it today after all… and I honestly don't know what you're gonna think… I think I've never tried to write story like this… you'll see… I had some help (Thank you Internet!) because of the dates – I didn't want to spoil the original timeline… some things were missing anyway so I tried to fill in the gaps. I'm actually nervous… :o)

I hope the story will be okay… I was just watching news channel on our TV and there were some disturbing news (the situation in Egypt for example... Mubarak's speech right now and you know...) and I just cannot stop thinking about the world out there in comparison to the world I know and you know… I'm just thinking too much about things I can do nothing about… so I hope it won't affect the story too much.

I don't want to disturb the story here so I will post more A/N in the last chapter along with the actual lyrics…. Might be good to read the A/N if you ask me… but it's of course up to you.

**Timeline **– Jack as a General is in Washington… so let's say 2005 :o)

**Spoilers** – Nothing particular but I'm not sure – so take it like as you should know the basics about the show till Jack's in DC… :o)

**Disclaimer** – as usually…. Nothing's mine and I mean no harm by writing this… you know, still the same stuff… just the simple idea of this story is mine

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**PLEASE COME BACK HOME**

Evenings in Washington DC could be pretty. In this time of the year the air was usually warm but not hot and dry. The sunset could create amazing show for you to watch. People were different in here. They all looked proud to be living here, in the center of everything important.

Washington DC was one of those cities where everything was considered as possible. You could see a clown, marines, pilots, nurses, men in suits, women in costumes, politicians, and policemen, mothers with kids and young students and lovers, all of them walking in the city without being noticed. People here were so used to everything… and it was good. They respected each other but they were not trying to spy on you just because you were wearing some sort of uniform.

General Jack O'Neill was living there for a few months by now. The first one was rough. He had to start as the Head of Homeworld Security and he wasn't even sure what he was supposed to do. Suddenly he had a very big office, he had his driver, assistant, secretary and whole squad of people waiting for him to give them orders. He wasn't in charge of his own days anymore. Besides he had to learn how to live in a new house. And he didn't really like the house. It was a nice one though. One of those family houses with a garden and beautiful view, good surrounding. But he just couldn't feel like home there…

It took him one week to start with thinking about quitting and leaving. He knew the job was important. He could be useful to his friends and his people back in the SGC. He could actually take care of some unnecessary changes… and yet he felt lost. He was missing his friends, his family, his job, his house, even his quarters in the SGC… He just didn't want to go.

It was so abrupt that there was no goodbye party. And he was glad. Seeing all those people would most probably break him and tear him apart. He said them goodbye and be well while they were leaving for a mission and then… he was gone.

They were pretty angry about it… and he was not blaming them. Sam was the first one to tell him how angry she's been feeling and even a bit betrayed… she was the last one to forgive him… but she was most probably the only one that could understand him completely. She talked to guys… there would be time for payback later.

They called him. All of them. So many times… And many people from the base were asking about him and wishing him all good. They actually made a letter for him and they all signed it. They were telling him he would always be welcomed there and that they were grateful for the chance to serve with him.

Some of the new guys didn't get it… but the others explained things to them, sometimes calmly like civilized people and sometimes a bit … roughly with fists and swearing…

The first week was gone and he felt lonely. But he had a visitor. Cassie came to visit him, to see him. They had wonderful time together. And what more, she helped him to give this a chance. And he did exactly that. He gave it a chance.

After few other weeks he has fallen into the routine. He hated the bureaucracy and the paperwork, those false smiles and hands-shaking and all those lies and empty promises. But soon he learnt how to play this game. He knew that he couldn't fail his friends and his people.

Exchanging mails with Carter, Daniel and Teal'c was also helpful, besides Landry was trying to keep him informed about things not mentioned in the reports. O'Neill told him, more or less discretely, that this was how the base worked. Everything important for the program and for the future would always be in the reports, the personnel knew the duties and everything… and yet there was this unspoken rule of leaving out personal things and some aspects of all the missions.

Hammond knew about it and his people eventually learnt how to trust him and talk to him… the same worked for Jack. His people knew him, knew his history and he had his reputation… Landry would have to find the balance; he would have to be patient and understanding, yet firm. But he had Carter there and lots of other people that would try to help him. Because they knew that nothing was more valuable than CO that could trust you and that could be trusted. Implicitly.

Jack missed his old life… so much.

After the first months the routine was easier to go through, he could even enjoy some aspects of living in Washington DC… And yet he couldn't consider himself as happy. He used to be happy… in Springs.

The last meeting ended late. He was exhausted. He would have to walk or take a cab to get home today. He could understand the need of a driver easily… after all those meetings he was even more exhausted than after a rough mission or PX-whatever. However his driver's wife was having a baby. Simon, his driver, called earlier to ask for some personal leave and Jack told him to go to the hospital and to stay with his wife at least for a week. He could understand the excitement and everything…

The weather was so beautiful that he would probably walk. It was not that far… well maybe it was but he could use the exercise. Oh yeah, he gained some weight… no missions, no running, skipping, climbing, constant walking or getting away from traps and prisons… he had a desk job now. By one way it was more exhausting, on the other hand, it was … boring.

He loosened his tie and took of his jacket. He even dared to roll up his sleeves. He was USAF officer, yeah, he was the Head of the Homeworld Security, yeah… he should be taking care of his clothes and the way he appears in public… but right now he was just a tired man walking home, alone… he just didn't care about ruined uniform… Oh he missed his BDU sometimes…

He saw small coffee shop on the corner. He was sure that he has never walked around it before… he has never been walking through there… but yet… it looked familiar.

Then it hit him. This was the coffee shop where he had his first coffee after arriving to Washington DC in 1982. Oh that was so long ago!

He walked in there and ordered coffee-to-go. The place hasn't changed a bit. It brought up some old memories…

He found himself a bench in a park outside. And he sat down for a moment. He just wanted to enjoy the coffee. There was a note on the cup saying 'decaf because you look like you had more than enough already'. It was written on the cup along with a smiley face. Well the bartender was funny… he didn't even notice the difference. The coffee was good.

The last time he had coffee there was in 1982 when he took Sarah for a trip here, for a vacation. They had some rough time behind them and this was their attempt to fix it.

Sarah… he missed her even now. She was a good woman. She would always be there in his heart. They shared something deep. He knew that she's been living somewhere on the East Coast now, married and happy. And that was good.

They met in 1975 and he could still remember it. He just finished College. Oh yeah, he went to the College. He has always liked books and literature so studying the English literature and philosophy was a good choice. He was sure that both Daniel and Carter suspected this… but they never said it out loud. Silent agreement of some sort? Maybe. But Carter always had that mischievous smile on her face when this subject has been brought up.

It was late spring back then, pretty warm. He was visiting a friend in San Francisco. They went to one amazing restaurant… well they had only drinks, pies and cakes there… he fell in love with that place. And he met Sarah. She was working there.

She was beautiful and young, full of live, smiling all the time, looking all innocent and sweet. She was about to take their order when he dared to look into her eyes for the first time. And she forgot about the order and just walked away. Then she came back and asked about the order again. Jack was smiling at her, flirting with her, not quite knowing what he's been doing.

He asked her out after three days of ordering pies for breakfast and lunch… and dinners. And the date was sweet. They went to see a movie and they had dinner together. They were talking and laughing and flirting. Sarah fell in love with him back then, or at least she told him so after few years. He wasn't sure though.

They spent an amazing summer together, going for trips by car, walking hand in hand, enjoying small things together. They were dating and it was nice.

Jack was just afraid that things would end badly… he enlisted. He joined the Air Force. The whole world was fighting against crimes and totalitarian regimes, struggling for democracy and freedom. He couldn't just settle down in Frisco and have a normal life.

His two uncles died during the World War II and he felt like betraying them by sitting and waiting. He was full of energy and so enthusiastic. He couldn't just find himself a job as a teacher or something and stay in Frisco, building up a house with white picket fence or so.

It was Sunday, he remembered that. He was having a date with Sarah and things were getting pretty serious. He didn't want to hurt her…

So he told her.

Sarah ended up crying in his arms, begging him no to do that, pleading and asking. But he didn't change his mind. He couldn't. And he didn't want to. She didn't understand… he was surprised when she asked him to stay with her during the night. She told him she most probably loved him and then kissed him.

Jack could remember the overwhelming sensation of her confession. He stayed with her till the morning. Then he had to go. He was about to start a new life. The last thing she said was 'Just please make sure you come back home'.

He had several chances of going back home from the Academy. But he didn't take them. He used that time to get better. And before he knew it, he's been becoming one of the best pilots in the Unit. He was the best man in hand-to-hand combat. He could see many variable strategic plans every time. And his superiors knew that. They've noticed of course. He was their best.

During the next five years he's been training, learning and getting better. Yeah, those years seemed to be so damn long and yet… he couldn't tell where the time had disappeared. It all seemed like a small memory. He was one of the youngest rookies put in action from the base. His abilities made him special. And he was pretty damn proud about that.

He was part of non-existent unit of Special Forces. At first he didn't like it. He was being told how to kill, hurt, interrogate, paralyze… he had to learn how to disappear, how to survive in extreme conditions. He had to be able to stay awake for days. He didn't like that at all…

But then the first mission came.

He was supposed to leave for vacation after that one. He was still dating Sarah although they've seen each other about 20 times top during those five years. Every time she asked him again to stop with it and every time she told him to come back home to her. She was patient and caring, loving and understanding. Jack didn't know why the relationship survived but he was kind of glad. After the hard training it was nice to read a letter from his girlfriend or talk to her via phone. He loved her, in his own way, he knew. And maybe if being given more time, he would truly fall for her.

But the first mission came. Four weeks of learning and planning and then two days in the field. It was horrible actually. They were supposed to retrieve a prisoner in the Middle East. They were not told his history, purpose, or anything else. They just had the description, necessary intel and a mission to complete. And they wanted to do just that. Nothing more, nothing less.

During this mission he had to kill a man face to face for the first time. He was in shock, horrified and not really able to cope. But then they went to free the prisoner and take him to the US. And he saw those people there in the basement. He felt sick to the pit of his stomach. He knew about the torture and everything, of course, but seeing it like this? That was cruel and horrible and… disgusting.

And since then he knew that he would have to pay for every killed or injured man. He just knew. And yet he couldn't picture himself walking away. He was on team that could help people, save people, slowly step by step. He wouldn't just walk away.

Oh yeah, he was naïve back then. But he had his visions and ideas, he had his faith. He believed in better world. After coming back they all had to pass some psychological tests. Two of those five people failed and were never put into the field again. He was not among them.

He had his two weeks of vacation. And he was planning on spending them with Sarah in Frisco. He knew that his next mission would be in two months… and that he would be getting another week after that. That was the benefit of being … unwanted and yet very needed.

Sarah was waiting for him on the airport. She was so happy to see him. And he realized one important thing. Being able to be with this woman after a mission was even better than reading her letters. Maybe he would allow himself to love her and … change for her.

Now he was sitting on the bench in the middle of Washington DC, so many years later, looking around. He noticed a young couple walking nearby. Man in uniform and a young woman in pretty dress, smiling and not caring about the rest of the world.

Yeah, he could understand that. He knew that… he remembered. He used to be the same. Proud to be in the uniform, proud to have the perfect girl next to him…

They had a wonderful time together. He was so enjoying being alive and with a wonderful woman in his arms. Those happy days were not disturbed by a single thing. He put aside all his worries and fears. She had no idea about his secret operations and he was not planning on telling her. She knew that his assignment meant being on the base for long periods of time. She didn't like it and she tried to talk him out of it though.

He didn't give her a chance.

However he promised her that he would be back soon and for at least a week. He asked her to go with him for a trip then… just the two of them, alone, somewhere… and she agreed.

He couldn't tell what's been happening in his heart or soul… he was trying to focus on the career in the USAF and he didn't actually care about the rest. He was in love with Sarah, he knew that… but she would have to live with the fact that he was USAF officer no matter what.

They argued many times about this… Sarah wanted him to quit the army… and he wanted her to understand him.

Before leaving for his second mission, Sarah sent him a letter. It was in 1980, just before Christmas. He would never forget that. She told him she was pregnant with his child. She wrote that into a letter… and he couldn't believe it. He felt like the biggest idiot ever. But something deep inside of him was being happy… they were having a child. However… she just informed him about the fact, nothing more.

He was about to go and gear up in hour so he put these thoughts aside. The mission was a disaster. His team-mate was killed and they had to try really hard to save another one. That was actually the first man he has ever saved while being on the mission. That was the time when his attitude started. He would never ever leave a man behind, not after this. He knew the guy in troubles. And he was glad that their CO took the risk and saved the man's sorry ass.

He knew that he might die every time he would go out there and fight for his country and for the world's well-being. And he also knew that he was a good man… no matter what, he was no bastard. Or at least he thought so. He wanted to believe so.

He asked Sarah to marry him while being back home for that promised week. He actually got three because of the head injury and bruised ribs from the last mission.

He wanted to be romantic and all nice and kind so he took her for dinner and bought flowers, he gave her pretty ring and promised to love her and the child. He was more than surprised when she said no.

He chuckled now… yeah, all those years ago he tried to be the good guy, to do the right thing… and she said no. He was watching the life of DC and noticed the young officer again. He was on his knee, obviously proposing to his beautiful girlfriend. She squealed, giggled and kissed him… He was smiling. Yeah, happy young couple, in love. He envied them… so much.

He could still see Sarah running away from the restaurant back in 1980. He ran after her and saw her cry. She told him she would marry him in case he'd leave the USAF. But he couldn't do that… she agreed eventually but it was all just because of the baby. She would be taken care of in case something happened to him. And she was still pretty angry at him for being stubborn. But she loved him… and he promised her the fairy-tale-ish happy ending in the end. He just needed time.

In the end they even enjoyed their little honeymoon. Jack was going back to active duty as happy married man with understanding wife, loving, caring and knowing about his duties to his country.

Sarah's family was not actually happy about her choice. And they were even less happy about the rush wedding. But she was happy. She knew that Jack was a good man, somewhere deep inside. She was just struggling with the concept of his job description. Little she knew about the real life of Jack O'Neill in active duty, out there in the field.

Jack was sent into the Eastern Germany. Their task was to gather intel about several different locations and people. He was supposed to stay for two weeks out there. That was pretty long for his taste. And of course they had troubles and problems, the mission was not as good as his superiors were hoping for… In the end it was his ability to plan strategies that saved the whole team and allowed them to come home. But they've been there for more than a month!

That was awfully long…

After arriving back, he got one of the most horrible news of his entire life. Sarah was so stressed about him not coming back as he was supposed to, that she lost the child. She was back home, but in pretty bad shape.

Jack hated himself for leaving, for letting her be alone and get stressed. He was trapped between the woman he loved and the country he loved to serve. What was he supposed to do? Deep inside he knew… the final decision was pretty hard to make though.

He asked for some personal leave. And he got it. After this mission they all deserved it. He was also promoted, which was a surprise. And it came with a pay-raise and that was good as well.

It took them lots of talking and arguing before they managed to find a way. It was one of the hardest times of his life. He asked to be transferred. And he was. His life changed and he got used to it after few weeks. He was training junior officers; he was their mentor and teacher. He was still in active duty as a pilot but only for training, no abroad missions. That much Sarah knew.

She has never been told the rest of the story. In times when he was officially on the base for evaluations, he's actually been abroad, as a part of elite team. He stayed in the Special Forces. And he kept that information away from his wife. He had to. He loved her and he was hoping for some future with her. And yet he loved his country and wanted to help. By the end of 1980 his double life started. At first he was hard but then… he got used to it.

From that year he's been living two different lives. And he kept that as a secret from his wife. He was planning on quitting the Special Forces in several years… but not now.

Sarah knew that he has not been telling her everything. And he knew that she knew… but they have never brought that subject up.

And then he suggested the trip to Washington for the summer of 1982. They spent two months together, enjoying each other's company, making trips and not caring about the outside world. He allowed himself to happy back then. He was trying to imagine his new life with this amazing woman… and it was not so hard. It was actually easy…

And now he couldn't believe he had these memories. It was so long ago… before all the hell broke loose… it was before… everything.

He was sipping his now cold decaf-coffee as USAF General, as the Head of Homeworld Security. He loved Sarah back then, he loved her deeply. And he didn't care about the small gap always present between them with the label USAF. He was a happy man back then, with her and their naïve plans and ideas.

And now he was alone, a bit lost, doing desk job and pretending he has never lived through all those amazing things on the other side of the wormhole. There was a difference though. Now he had friends that shared it all with him. They knew some small pieces about his past, they knew about those years in SGC because they've been there with him… and it didn't feel like having two lives anymore.

There was just one thing missing. The woman he would be coming home to.

He put away the cup into the trash and resumed his walk home. He felt strange because of all those memories reaching surface again. But they were part of him… and he had to learn how to live with them ages ago.

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**A/N: **all right people now you know the start… I see the word count now… I don't want to post this as one enormous story… so I will split it up into chapters, okay? It was supposed to be just one-shot but well... should be better this way. I know that right now it doesn't look like much… but I have the plot and the whole idea ready… And I would love to post it together but come on– 4500 words by now… So I picked this moment of Jack's life to stop… and the next part should be up pretty soon! And I know that actual conversations are missing but I hope it doesn't matter that much... you have the chance to tell me what you think and I can repost this chapter or make the second one in a completely different way... okay enough :oD


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Okay… so here comes the second chapter… I couldn't really sleep yesterday so I started with it… and because I'm not that busy now at work, I'm gonna finish it… I have a bad feeling about splitting up the story… and yet I know it's better this way… Oh and thank you all for your reactions – I appreciate that a lot :o) Okay... let's get the show on the road :o)

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**PLEASE COME BACK HOME**

It was getting dark, slowly but for sure. Jack felt a bit sick. The rush of memories and emotions in his head really got him. He was getting closer to his home. And he couldn't keep thinking. Was he losing his mind or what?

Did he used Sarah or did he really love her?

Oh he loved her, he knew that. Why was he questioning his own decisions? That was never good. But he loved her and he tried to change his life for her, he tried. She was the best that could have happened to him back then…

After coming back from the vacation in 1982 his new life started. He was teaching, lecturing, and he kept on coming back home to his beautiful and patient wife. They've found their own way of living. They bought house and he thought that life would never be better.

He felt guilty for not telling her about his secret missions. But he believed that it was for her own good. And so she never got to know about all those missions he joined from 1982 till 1988.

During this time he had to learn how to control his emotions, memories, fears, nightmares. He had to get better and better in combat, he had to keep on going to lectures about new technologies and weapons. And he needed to find a better coping mechanism.

At first he was coping by not being at home. All he needed was the base, the gym, running shoes… he could cope when he didn't have to think. But with the transfer this changed as well. And so he found himself new friends – sarcasm and irony. He could hide behind them, use them, have them close and they were always available to help him.

There was this silent agreement between all his army buddies. They would stay in touch, but only briefly. Once in six months they would meet and talk and get drunk together, they would remember all their dead friends and team-mates, they would talk about all those missions of those last six months. Those two days would end up in another silent promise. They would never come back to that… It helped them to stay sane and able to go on.

When some of them should end up in troubles, others would help, no questions asked. It was their way of coping with life. And it was working damn well.

His arguments with Sarah have multiplied though. He hated himself for doing that to her. But she had to understand! Sometimes she was sad, sometimes she was angry, sometimes disappointed and sometimes she was just quiet, pretending she didn't care. He didn't know which of those was the worst.

Six years of missions all over the world made him see everything from a completely different perspective. He knew he would never be able to save it. He lost his ideas and illusions about world and humans. He lost his faith in people. Everything was wrong out there. And he just kept on going on missions, killing people, saving people, training people, rescuing people…

His promotions came quickly. He deserved them all. And he was damn proud about it. Although one of his parts hated himself for this… for being happy just because of something so small like a promotion when they were other people out there, suffering and slowly dying. He had to find a way how to stay sane.

Stars helped him actually. They saved his sorry ass several times before, he could read in them, they've become his hidden map. And he just wanted to know them better. So in times when he couldn't carry the heavy burden on his shoulders anymore, he walked back into the garden, took his small telescope and got lost among stars on the night sky.

He came home once, not quite knowing what to do. It was Friday evening so he was thinking about taking Sarah out for a date. God knew she would deserve some of that attention. He has been away a lot these past weeks. When he opened the door, she launched herself at him. They fell to the ground. She was laughing and crying and he didn't get it.

Then she told him. She was pregnant again. It was strange and crazy but truth anyway. She was pregnant. They were having a baby.

Sarah was afraid that he would leave her. But he stayed as much as he could. No missions, nothing dangerous… He deserved some time alone with his wife and he got it. In exchange for some trainings and lecturing. He was there whenever she needed him. And he knew that there would price to pay later. They would call him and ask him to help them with something… and he would have to go. He got the time with his pregnant wife, yeah, but he knew damn well that there has always been a price for everything…

He has actually never been good around feelings and talking about them but he managed back then to support her and offer his love and care to her. And she was grateful. He managed to get her chocolate ice-cream in the middle of the night, massage her feet, her back, he held her hair in the morning while she had to throw up… he was the best husband ever.

Sarah didn't ask him to quit the Air Force during her pregnancy, not even once. He appreciated that… but he feared that as well. She would surely ask later and he would be deep in troubles.

And then his beautiful baby boy was born. And they named him Charles. Charlie… his absolutely adorable son. He was so proud of him! Suddenly he had some pictures to bring along to his meeting with old friends, he was one of those that managed to get themselves a normal life and a family.

He got drunk with other guys from his Unit few days later, celebrating this new life. And he promised himself that he would always be there to take care of him and his mother. He had a family now… He knew that it would be hard to keep that promise though.

When Charlie was almost two, the Gulf War came and he had no other choice but go. Sarah hated him, he knew. He knew about this new assignment for three weeks before the actually departure. He knew because he volunteered. They needed pilots, soldiers, they needed people.

They were arguing every day. Charlie was there with them, crying, not understanding and they just kept on arguing. Sarah wanted him to stay at home and he was trying to explain the situation to her. He knew that there would be … another assignment coming along with going out there but he couldn't even mention that… besides he knew that his time has come and he had to help now.

The last morning he kissed her, hugged her and promised her that he'd be coming back soon. She was crying. And he left. He knew he had to. And he knew that there would be very high possibility that he would not be coming back… He just had to hope that it would end soon and he would be able to come back home to his family.

The Gulf War lasted what seemed like forever to him. Being torn away from his life was horrible. Missing his family was also horrible. But the most horrible thing of all things about this was that he actually liked it there. He was glad to be in the middle of something important again. He missed the adrenalin, the excitement, the smell of gunpowder and the absolute exhaustion after walking long miles through the desert… he was a soldier! And he knew that.

He knew that this would cause troubles. He would want to ask for another assignment… and he would be torn apart again… trapped between his country and his family. He had a kid now! He had to think about Charlie! But sometimes it was so easy to forget everything and just focus on the gun in his hand. And silent prayers were not helping.

What seemed to be easy for other guys from his old unit was definitely easy for him. After all those years he got … comfortable with the life he was having. He knew that he would put his family above everything… the question was how to do so…

He was lucky back then. He didn't get hurt. Well, not much. He didn't get killed. He didn't see too many people die. He didn't feel guilty about surviving. And he couldn't see any symptoms of stress or illness. He was in pretty good shape. And then he got the new assignment.

And Jack O'Neill hated himself for being excited about it. He needed something to focus on, to take his thoughts away from his family and all the possible scenarios. He needed that mission. Did that make him a bastard? Yeah, maybe.

He was ordered to retrieve few reporters from captivity. Long story short? He took his team and they made it. Well, yeah, after spending two months in prison in the middle of Iraq along with the reporters, after being tortured and nearly killed. He managed to save them all, he didn't lose his men. He made it through. They all have made it through.

After one month in the hospital he was called again. He was the only one available for one particular mission because of some of his unique abilities. He was the most experienced, trusted and bravest guy there. They needed him to take a flight, jump down deep in the enemy territory, gather some intel and then disappear onto certain coordinates to be picked up again. Piece of cake… sure.

And that mission went wrong. And not just a bit… but a lot. He got the chance to say no… but he couldn't. He was far from being completely healthy but he was able to stand, walk, crawl, breathe and eat… and that was all that mattered. Besides that intel was vital. And destroying two buildings nearby was just a bonus that would save about 400 lives in the process.

It went all wrong. So damn wrong… His parachute didn't open. He fell… broke his skull… and almost died there… all those long days he was waiting and trying to survive… thinking about Sarah and their kid, thinking about the dog he wanted to buy for them later, thinking about stars… about his garden and the telescope… about Christmas… he had to make it home, he had to apologize to his wife and make it all up to her… he had to tell her he loved her.

Now, in 2005 he was sitting on his porch. This particular memory was not a good one. It triggered some more… he remembered the pain, the fear, the despair… he remembered Sarah's anger… he remembered the horrible feeling he had when his son didn't recognize him at first after he got back… and he also remembered one certain blond woman. There was just one time in his whole life when he couldn't keep his mouth shut about this particular mission. He was slowly freezing to death on Antarctica, stuck there with his brilliant 2IC Samantha Carter … and he told her. And it felt too damn good.

His team-mates back then knew, his people knew but still… there was something different about them knowing and him telling that to Sam.

This triggered some more unwanted memories and emotions.

She has never judged him for his past… she just took at and accepted it. She was willing to listen to him, to let him make his sarcastic jokes, she… Well he missed her, that was for sure.

Actually maybe she could understand him that well because of her own experiences from the Gulf War. He might have even met her out there… she was a pilot after all. As she deliberately reminded him, she had over 100 hours up in the air in there… It was strange to think about her like that… but she had proved herself back then as well as during those last years.

She could understand him, she would argue with him but she would always give him a chance to explain, actually she would made him explain no matter what... she would always be there for him to help understand, to let him fight his fears and monsters hidden under his bed. Sarah could never do that...

He should not be comparing Sarah to Sam. He knew that. That was just wrong. Oh yeah, he knew that. He was being a bastard after all.

All his thoughts just seemed to be… mixed up and tangled.

Oh he was … feeling old. He was afraid that he screwed up more than just the life of his son and the marriage with Sarah.

Back in 1991, when he was released from hospital, after the war ended… Sarah told him she was glad he made it back home. But she also gave him an ultimatum. She didn't want to live like that. And he couldn't blame her. However, nobody ever said that being wife of USAF officer on active duty would be easy.

They just kept on arguing. And it was getting worse. He was trying to be back at home as much as he could, he was trying to make it all up to her and to Charlie… but it all didn't seem to be enough for her. She always wanted more. And he couldn't actually blame her. She just wanted a normal life for herself and for her child. Like any other woman would.

He wanted to make their marriage work. He was trying. But his past started to hunt him and there was little he could actually do to stop it.

When he was called and asked to do another mission, he had his doubts. He saw his son playing in the garden, his wife sitting next to him, watching over him… and he was ready to say no. But his CO asked him to come and talk. And he did it.

It was a rescue mission. Something went wrong somewhere in the Middle East and they needed help. They put together four people and they needed a man of his qualities and with his experiences to lead them. He was ready to say no. His CO opened the mission file and Jack saw the names… one of those prisoners was one of his old friends. They survived through the Iraq together. And he couldn't just walk away. He knew his wife and his two absolutely amazing daughters. He just couldn't… do that to them.

He came home and Sarah understood he would be leaving. Again. And she was angry. Again. So for the first time in his whole career, he broke the rules, he told her. It was Tim out there. And he needed to be saved. Sarah was not happy about his final decision. But she finally understood that he would go even without her approval… however that it was much easier with it.

He promised to take care and to come back home to her.

And he did that.

The frequency of the missions slowed down. It looked like his life would be simply okay from now on… Till the year 1995 everything was running more or less smoothly.

Jack looked up to the sky now… the light pollution was huge here in DC which was a shame. He missed his cabin. He missed being off-world, lying on the ground, bickering with Daniel… he missed his life pretty much. This just didn't seem right.

Somehow he still had troubles with believing that some of the best things in his life have happened only because of that suicidal mission to Abydos… he met all these amazing people only because … his son died. The fate could be sick…

Yeah, those years brought some terrible memories as well, but it was all like … a package of some sort. Take it or leave it. And he took it.

Why didn't he take the first package his life was offering? Why didn't he quit the USAF and stayed with his family? Why did he…?

During those years till 1995 he used to be at home for the weekends. Sarah knew that something has been going on for a long time… she just didn't have the strength to argue anymore. Or at least she told him so.

She was right of course. He was still in the USAF, he was still having his BDU ready on the base… he was a soldier, that was it. And no matter how much he wanted to be at home like every other father, he couldn't do that… he didn't know how. He has always been more on the base… he just couldn't find the right way how to live like a normal man. He was trying to do so for years… and it was just not working as well as it should.

He accepted few other assignments; he accepted the position of training instructor on the other end of US in 1995. He left his family for six months. And all he got were letters and phone calls. He needed that time to figure out what to do. He needed to make sure he was doing the right thing in the end.

And by the end he actually realized one important thing. He was not getting any younger… He would not be given another chance to be a father and husband. He had to take what life has been offering.

So when he was coming home in 1996, he had a plan. He asked to be transferred. He got this awesome chance of staying in the USAF but not being on active duty. He would be teaching, participating in lectures from time to time… but nothing more. He got this opportunity and he liked it. In another six months he would exactly what his family needed.

Oh little he knew that things would turn out differently.

After almost six months of being at home only for weekends, he got a whole week. And he was happy. He came home and kissed his wife. She was thrilled that finally, after all those years, he would not be going anywhere in the middle of the night, not knowing about coming back… he would be with them and they would be happy and grow old together.

And the worst thing of his entire life happened.

His son found his gun. And he managed to shot himself. Jack would never forget that… Especially after being forced to live through that memory several times again during those years in SGC.

Now he could accept the explanation of many things going wrong in the same time resulting with the death of his beloved child. But back then? Not so much… He has never forgiven himself though.

His life seemed to end that day. People were usually saying that you would remember every single detail of the most horrible experiences of your life… or that you would forget completely, block the memory away. He was somewhere in the middle. He remembered pieces of the events. The shot, the running home, finding him. He could remember the blood, Sarah's scream, his own scream, and then the ambulance came. He called them and he didn't even remember that. Then the hospital… his son being taken into one room in the ER. And the doctor coming towards them, clothes cowered in blood and that horrible sad expression on his face.

Jack knew that Sarah fainted. He just held her. His knees gave up. He fell down to the ground. He knew he was supposed to cry and scream and kept on wishing that it was simply not true. But he couldn't. Everything was locked inside and he just… couldn't. The doctor gave Sarah something and he gave him something as well. O'Neill's body was not responding as it was supposed to so he was forced to tell the doctor that he has been POW. That was supposed to explain everything. And it did. His pain threshold has been … different. And his body just didn't react the same anymore.

There was investigation of course. It was both civil and military. He couldn't remember much about that. He knew his gun was locked away. He knew that it was not charged. He knew that… and yet it seemed like Charlie found his way to play around. And he would never get to know why. Sarah was supposed to be with him… but she was waiting outside for her husband. The official report said it was just a tragic accident. And that was the explanation they all had to accept.

But there are simply things you could never get over with. And this was one of them.

Sarah was a wreck. She wanted to talk, to be held, she wanted him to cry, to express his emotions, but he couldn't. He started to sleep on the couch. His mind was slowly coming around that experience… and he knew he would break down someday. Just not that day. He took care of the memorial service, the whole funeral. Sarah wanted to invite his old friends but he didn't give that idea a single thought.

Sarah almost didn't make it through the funeral. Her father was trying to support her but… it just didn't seem to be enough. She needed her husband. Jack knew that… and yet he just couldn't do more than to hold her hand and pray for forgiveness.

Jack was crying during the funeral. He was full of anger and sorrow… and he knew what he had to do.

He left Sarah in the care of her father and walked away. He drove far and fast. He ended up in front of the house of one of his old buddies. He rang the bell and the man opened.

Jack looked like crap. He invited him in. They sat down in the garden with three bottles of Scotch. Jack got wasted. His buddy got a little drunk as well, but he was more like sober than drunk.

In the morning Jack found himself sleeping on the couch. There was fresh coffee, water and aspirins in the kitchen.

His buddy gave him a silent nod. This was… not so uncommon for people like them. When they needed to get away from everything, it was better to visit a friend than end up in some filthy bar or so. This was safer. Besides nobody would be asking questions here.

The conversation was simple in the morning after.

"_My kid died."_

"_That explains a lot…"_

"_He accidentally shot_ _himself with my gun."_

"_Shit. That explains the rest."_

And that was it. They knew they would never bring this up again, they knew this was never to be spoken of. It was something they had to learn how to do long ago in order to survive some of those things they actually remembered.

Jack got home and found his father-in-law gone. Sarah was alone there, sitting in the middle of Charlie's room, crying. And he couldn't make himself to go and hold her. He just couldn't.

That was when their slow separation started. They were never forced to deal with such a tragic loss together. Her miscarriage all those years ago was nothing in comparison to this. And so they slowly parted and their marriage was coming to its end.

Jack knew that it was mainly his fault. All those feelings and memories, it all attacked him with force that made him walk the rest of the stairs into his big new house in DC. Nobody should see old General cry.

He felt like … crap. Why he just couldn't make it work back then? Because nobody should live longer than his kid…

His superiors knew about his situation in 1996. They took him from active duty. However, he was not considered as retired yet.

Then those two officers showed up and … his whole new life has started. He was asked to lead the mission through the Gate. It was crazy, it was suicidal… and it was all okay with him. Besides Sarah would be probably better without him anyway. And he just couldn't pretend everything would be okay and go on with his life...

He packed his things, made sure everything would be taken care of and then he headed out of the door. It took him one day to do so. Sarah was watching him leave. And this was the very first time since he met her when she didn't say 'jack, please, come back home'.

And he knew he wasn't going to.

And so he met his new team, he met Daniel Jackson and he stepped through the event horizon to the other side. He was ready to die out there… to save his country. Just for the one last time…

His first adventure on another planet was nothing but boring. And because of one certain archaeologist it also changed from the suicidal to … something different. It was nothing like he has experienced before.

Those people on Abydos, his team, those people needed him, they saw something deep in him… and he couldn't understand. He just knew he shouldn't disappoint them. They were important…to him. Somehow.

After defeating Ra, before departing for Earth, he spent lots of time with Daniel. He couldn't believe it but… they actually talked. Daniel told him about his life, Jack told him about some parts of his own. They found something … strange. They found the most curious and crazy friendship ever.

Or at least he thought so until he met Teal'c.

Daniel made him see his life from a different point of view. He made him realize things about his mind, heart and soul; he made him see what he was refusing to.

Jack couldn't quite believe it, but he was coming back home along with the rest of his time, they would lie in their reports; they would make it all look like the army would want to. After this decision was made, they all felt proud of it.

Jack knew that they managed to do something amazing and… it was like all those things in his past were starting to make some sense after all. All those things that happened brought him there and he knew he would finally cope with everything, accept it and survive.

When he came back home there were two big envelopes there. In the first one he found his official retirement papers. And in the second one the divorce papers. No note, no letter, nothing.

And so he moved away, gave Sarah everything she wanted and even things she didn't ask for and started with the life of retired USAF Colonel that has seen too much and experienced too much.

They didn't talk till … few years ago when that Crystal-guy aka kid that looked like Charlie appeared and all of that shit happened. But he was glad though. Those simple words and one last hug and they … found some peace after all.

Jack walked into his kitchen in DC and got himself some juice. It was actually unbelievable. He really thought he would just keep on living alone, watching stars, drinking beer every Saturday, eating pizza every Sunday and not actually caring about the rest of the world.

And here he was… as the Head of Homeworld Security, with years of experiences from other planets, with his heart and soul mended and not broken anymore, filled with love, friendship and compassion. He was old but because of some certain missions his body seemed to think he was no more than 35. Well, if he was not counting the extra weight.

He walked to the smallest room there. It used to be his home office. He opened the door and found four different computers, boxes, papers, pencils, two white-boards, lots of books he didn't even know how to read…

Those years brought something precious to him. He met new people, he had very good friends, he didn't have to keep secrets from them, and besides, just as a little bonus, he got to know Samantha Carter.

She was the first one to actually see him break down because of the death of his son.

He was having a nightmare once, back in Springs. She stayed with him, slept in the guest room after a team-night but she heard him. And after all those years she knew that it was best to wait till he would be okay. Once before she tried to wake him. In a moment he was pinning her to ground, ready to kill. They were both shocked but then they both realized the true reality behind that. Everything was just about coping and defense mechanisms.

They both had their burdens, their nightmares and they both had their ways of coping. And it wasn't embarrassing or humiliating at all when your friend, USAF officer, could see you in your worst shape because the other day you would see him in no better one. They found their own dynamics in this situation.

So Sam waited for him to stop struggling with his demons but … he didn't look like he would. She came to him and got ready for fight. She touched him, she wanted to wake him. And he woke up, shocked, angry, scared. He wanted to attack her, it was his defense mechanism… but she already knew that and she was ready to fight back. She managed to win over him because he was in no shape to fight.

He told her about his son then, everything he could and then he couldn't stop crying. And she didn't say a word. She held him, offered comfort and silent understanding. He cried himself to sleep in her arms. And he woke up alone, with fresh coffee in the kitchen, small breakfast ready for him as well. She was nowhere to be found. And he thought that maybe it was the best possible scenario. No emotional talks, no embarrassing moments, no tension. She just gave them the space they both needed.

He went to the SGC and saw her fixing something… he looked at her and nodded. She smiled and nodded back. And then he knew for sure that she was… something else. She was… Samantha Carter. It also meant that she could understand way too much… she has been through that herself. And the bond between them grew even stronger.

He had the honor to call her his friend.

And he could still smell her in that small room that used to be his home office.

She was visiting some time ago and she brought her work along… like usually. He knew he didn't deserve another chance to be happy, but he fell in love with this amazing woman. And he was still hoping that maybe one day she would… just come in and say 'I'm home'. But that day yet had to come. If ever.

He silently thanked the Heavens, he thanked Charlie. And he apologized. For everything.

He was just an old USAF General after all… he got to experience some pretty amazing things… and he knew he shouldn't be asking for more, not by a long shot. But somehow… was it that much to ask for somebody you care about deeply to come back home safely? Sarah used to be wishing the same thing... and he could never understand her better.

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**A/N**: Okay… this is it… sorry that conversation just had to be there, it was kinda significant… hope you're not disappointed. And because I'm feeling romantic today I'm gonna finish the story and give you all another chapter :o) Probably in ten hours or so... hehe :o)


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** And the last chapter… hope you're gonna like it… I'm again writing while watching special News channel and hey people, that's just crazy… my brain will overwork soon :oD Thanks for all your hits and reviews and PMs and everything :o)) And yeah, I don't think I will write another story like this – from a certain character's point of view… I just wanted to try and the song fit perfectly so… :o)

Oh and guys – I had the plot finished… but something about the very end seemed wrong. Then I was making myself some coffee and I got freaking idea… and I used it! So I am kinda curious what you think about it :o) So … this is really the end – next chapter contains some more A/N, explanations and lyrics… Hope you enjoyed this little trip into Jack's mind, heart and soul… :o)

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**PLEASE COME BACK HOME**

Jack was sitting in his office… well temporary Carter's office more or less. It felt strange. Her pencils were there on the table, her pens, her papers, even her favorite cup. It was so strange… she actually was there only month ago.

He took a deep breath. She spent two adorable weeks with him and he couldn't believe that she was gone.

Almost two months ago there was a conference in Washington about something around lasers or whatever. So she came. He didn't know about it. She managed to keep it away from him. And then he was expecting boring dinner with five different politicians… but instead of that those, he saw Daniel, Teal'c and Sam sitting there, eve with Mitchell and his heart actually stopped. He had to remind himself that he was in his uniform and couldn't actually act like a man.

Daniel saw him and came with a duffel bag. He hugged him, no caring about the people around. Then he gave him the bag and told him to go to the restroom to change. Jack was more than just surprised. It seemed like these people had a little help from Lulu, his secretary. He would have to thank her later. Those clothes were his spare ones he liked to keep in his office…

When he came back, dressed in jeans and shirt, looking casual and happy. Mitchell saluted him, Teal'c gave him his usual nod, and he actually smiled at him. Carter saluted him as well and he could see the happiness in her eyes. And he surprised them all by saying 'For cryin' out loud Carter come here' and by hugging her. She was his close friend… and he missed her.

They had fun. Daniel, Teal'c and Mitchell had just two days but Sam could stay for a whole week. They spent that time together and Jack wouldn't trade it for anything. The constant bickering and laughing, it was something he's been missing in his life terribly.

Lulu managed to clear his schedule and he was just free… but to all the people outside he was working on evaluations of some important people.

He could remember Mitchell's surprised eyes… he had the chance to read the reports, sure, he knew the rest of the team, yeah, but it was rare to see them all like this. And they were sharing stories with him, those that hasn't appeared in any kind of reports. There would some teasing about it later, that was for sure.

Nobody said a word about Sam staying. She had her hotel room booked but she managed, God knew how, to ask Jack to let her stay there with him. He had a spare bedroom after all.

The first evening without boys was the most beautiful one actually. They were sitting together on his couch, he was holding her next to him, she was leaning against him, they were talking about their current lives, smiling and just enjoying the company. And to Sam's surprise he was the one to fall asleep first. She snuggled closer, which waked him… and then they managed to fall asleep again.

In the morning he made her coffee and breakfast. She could always be grumpy while being hungry and with low level of caffeine in her blood.

He took her for a trip around Washington then. There were places she has never seen before… and they looked like two friends walking around, talking and smiling. Nothing suspicious. Besides he called Landry in the morning to let him know that Sam would be staying with him, as a friend.

What surprised him was their situation. Sam looked different to him and he couldn't tell why. So he asked her, bluntly, honestly, like usually. But instead of her cute rambling he received a scared look. So they sat down in park and they talked. It has always been hard for them to do the actual talking because they were so used to those silent conversations and hidden gestures.

"I just don't want to leave without knowing…"

"Knowing what?"

"Why did you actually take this position? Here in Washington…"

And he knew he should tell her everything… But he couldn't.

"I think there are things to talk about before answering this question, Carter."

"Are they?"

"Yeah…"

"Why?"

"Because before going anywhere further I need you to know some things…"

"About you?"

"Yeah, about me. I know you know some things, I told you some things but oh God Carter, you have no idea…"

And that was the time when she dared to reach out and take his hand in hers for the first time in public. And he couldn't make himself to move away. He liked that feeling.

And so their strange days started. He tried to explain to her who he was. She was patient, caring, understanding, asking questions when she was supposed to and being silent when he needed her to be. So she got to know about his past, about his missions, about his nightmares, about the reasons behind his decisions. They kept on talking and talking… They stayed at his house for days, and it was damn hard.

He thought that she would leave him then. She was supposed to be horrified and she was supposed to go away. But she stayed… she stayed and offered her own life in return. And he couldn't believe it.

He would never even dare to think about her life this way… she told him so much and he could understand the rest that was left unsaid.

They were exhausted after those days. They had to spend some time alone, they needed time to cope and accept that.

They agreed on one simple and yet important thing. They would not be making any promises. They would try to move their relationship into something more intimate… slowly, step by step. She would leave to Colorado Springs and after few months, they would see… and act maybe. They were both afraid… Jack would never forget her eyes full of fear…

"What if this is not real, hm? What if… we just think there is something between us? It could have been triggered just by the job and everything we've been through. Jack… what if it is not real?"

How was he supposed to answer? He didn't know. So he held her. And he agreed that they would take it slowly and see where it would take them. No promises, no obligations. He was in love with her, head over heels, he knew… but he would never even consider pushing her into something she hasn't been entirely sure of.

She was supposed to go back the next day. And he had a busy day ahead of him. But life could be a bitch… oh yeah, he knew that already.

While going for a run, Sam tripped and fell. She hurt her ankle. It meant two weeks in light cast, no walking without the crutches and no travelling. She had to wait in the hospital before somebody was able to pick her up. And that somebody was nobody else than her former CO. He was enlisted as her contact in case of emergency…

He came into that room, smiling, grinning like idiot. He wasn't happy about her being injured… he was just amused. He was called and asked about his relation to Samantha Carter, USAF officer. He was told about her condition. He told them he would be picking her up in few hours because being Head of Homeworld Security meant having some duties. Besides he was sure she would go nuts in the hospital.

And it was just a little payback for all those days in the infirmary… when she was usually allowed to leave before him. Tsss…

"You know Carter, if you wanted to stay all you needed to do was to ask me."

"Sir…"

"What am I supposed to do with you now, hm?"

"You can… arrange for me to get back to Springs?"

"Actually I just called Landry to inform him about your condition and medical orders from your doctor. Did you know you were not allowed to travel? And you would get a nice pair of crutches? Oh and the best part? You are supposed to rest…"

And he could see the anger in her eyes. He was teasing her… but she wasn't too happy about it. But she looked so lovely while being pissed at him. He still had it in himself… he could make her blush and he could make her look at him with that raw passion.

"Come on Carter, it will be fun… You and my couch and … nothing else."

And she was ready to kill.

"Sir…"

"Aaaack, don't wanna hear anything… be nice."

He came closer and gave her a bowl of pudding and a small bowl of jell-o. And she smiled at him, everything forgotten, forgiven.

So he took her home with him.

After two days he was actually happy for one of the most boring meetings. He was slowly going crazy. Carter being in the infirmary? He could deal with that. Carter hopping around his house with injured ankle? He couldn't deal with that… not by a long shot. She was bored. And that was the worst possible scenario. He didn't have the choice of staying home with her. And maybe he was glad.

On the second evening she looked sad and not happy at all.

"Hey, what's up? What's with the tears? Sam…?"

"Nothing, Sir."

"Drop the sir…"

"Yes, Sir."

"Come on!"

"Sorry…"

She gave him watery smile and he could only look at her, helpless and not quite knowing what's been going on. He just wanted to kiss it better and hope that she would be okay…

"And what's up?"

"It's not going to work, is it?"

"What is not going to work?"

"This."

And then she turned away from him in attempt to hide her tears. And then he understood. In case they would decide to persuade a relationship… and this… ouch. They were not doing the best … it actually looked… bad.

He reached for her and made her look into his eyes. He saw the uncertainty there and something warm. He couldn't believe it… he almost screwed this up. And that was something he was not ready for. And he would never be.

"I have a surprise for you…"

"I can go or…?"

"Is that what you want? You wanna leave?"

He knew he sounded hurt and angry but … he was caught off-guard by this. Did she really…?

"No, of course not… I just…"

"You what?"

"I don't want to ruin things just because of stupid sprain!"

And he smiled at her. She could be adorable while being frustrated. Yeah, it would work… he would make sure it would.

"You think you can make me a list of things you would need to occupy yourself till I get back from the meetings and everything?"

"Like a computer and some files and…"

"Yep..."

"Of course!"

And there it was… the look of kid on Christmas morning… those sparkles in her eyes and that grin. Yep, he still had it in himself.

"Then do it… And I will take care of it. So you won't be bored… because Carter, seriously, I can deal with you when you are hurt, exhausted, angry, frustrated, lost, I don't know what else, but there's no way in hell I can deal with you when you are bored!"

And it made her laugh. And it was the best sound he has ever heard in his whole life. And something warm was spreading through his veins because it was him who made her laugh like that… his male pride was happy about that.

During the next few days all things got better. Sam changed the house. She found herself a friend in Jack's secretary. Lulu was a good woman… she managed to order everything Sam wanted and all of that without Jack knowing.

Sam slowly turned the house into… home. She had her things next to his, she changed the things in the kitchen, she took care of the bathroom, she just… changed the place into something beautiful and yet simple. It was welcoming and warm. He couldn't have wished for more.

He would usually find her in his former home office, doing something on her computer, playing with something, writing reports and humming happily. That was something he got used to pretty easily. He was not sure if that was good or bad… but he didn't care.

He was walking through his house now and he could still sense her touch everywhere. At first he didn't like all those changes… but then he realized one thing. They would have to keep their jobs for some time and she would be coming to visit him and they needed their own home in case she would… want to be at home there with him.

She was a military girl, that was for sure. He could tell that a woman has touched the house. It was noticeable. It took just a bit of training to notice all those small things like the smell of clothes, order in the kitchen, flowers on the windows, more things in the bathroom, candles under the sink, napkins… Besides he noticed few models of old army planes in the living room. She had another hobby she somehow forgot to mention before… He didn't mind though. Those machines were beautiful…

The biggest surprise came with the photos though. She added few more to his photo wall in the hall. He had pictures of Charlie there… but she found a box full of pictures and changed to wall once. When he noticed he almost got a stroke.

He could see pictures from his childhood, from his marriage, pictures with Sarah and Charlie… he could see pictures of SG-1 and even some pictures taken at the SGC parties… he could see Cassandra and Jacob as well. And he loved those photos… but then he noticed something else. There among all those were pictures of young blond girl. And he recognized those eyes. He would always recognize them. That girl was Sam as a kid. There was a picture along with young Jacob and beautiful woman. That was Sam's mom. She added her own life into his… and it looked… like it has always belonged there.

He found her in her spare bedroom, sleeping peacefully. He sat down next to her and caressed her cheek. He was sure she's been sleeping. He kissed her forehead. And she snuggled closer.

"I always knew you liked to cuddle, Carter…"

"Shut up…"

Ouch, she was not asleep. But she was no angry or anything... she knew he's been just teasing her.

"Did I wake you?"

"Nope… that's okay… why don't you lie down hm? I could use some company."

And he did it. He lied next to her, she snuggled to him, with her head on his chest. And he kept on caressing her hair and back.

And after an hour it was time to open the deepest parts of his heart and soul.

"I saw the wall…"

That woke her up. She looked into his eyes. She was searching for something in there… and he wasn't sure about what.

"I … didn't mean to … "

"Hey it's okay."

"I just found the box full of pictures and noticed you had only Charlie up on that wall and I just thought you would… you could… Jack you are not alone. I just wanted you to remember that every time you walk down the hall. I'm sorry if I..."

It took him some time before being able to talk.

"I was just surprised…"

She knew he's been a bit hurt. She knew something's been wrong. She leaned closer and gently kissed him on the lips. Just another silent promise… but this time full of love and concern.

"I met Sarah just after finishing College."

"Oh that reminds me, your Diplomas would be placed somewhere as well…"

"What?"

He was shocked. She was never supposed to find those!

"But please, don't let me disturb you… you were talking about meeting Sarah."

"You… you…."

And she kissed him again, evidently happy, amused and satisfied. Oh payback… she was just playing with him. And he just let her to do that…

When she pulled back, he smirked and leaned closer again. And this kiss was a proper one. It took their breaths away and it was hard to concentrate again…

"You met Sarah after finishing College?"

"Yeah…"

And it took them about ten minutes before being able to continue… Oh yeah, there was definitely something going on between them. No doubts. Not. Ever. Again.

And during the next few hours he told her about his life with Sarah. It surprised him how easy it was. He told her stories filled with love, laughter, tears and anger, pain and fear. And she was listening to him, laughing along, grinning, smirking, and even crying.

It was one of the best talks they've ever had…

After few hours he was laying across the bed, his head in her lap. She was gently running her fingers through his silver hair.

"You should talk to her you know?"

"To Sarah?"

"Yeah… Jack I don't want to interfere… But I know you… you were a jerk and we both know it. And I'm not justifying her or anything like that… but you two were put through something horrible. And you haven't talked in years … then you appeared and then a boy appeared and just by the way he looked like your dead son… you hugged her and that was it?"

"Sam…"

"No, don't say anything… just think about it, okay? You are powerful enough to pull some strings… you might get a permission to tell her at least something. And from what you've told me, she's a good woman… And you still care, you always will… just let her know and … who knows, maybe it will help you to come in terms with things that keep on hunting you in your sleep."

He wanted to say something but she kissed him and silence him pretty effectively. It was a clear message behind this…

He was sitting on his couch now, phone in his hand… thinking. Was it really that good idea? He had Sarah's new number and all he needed to do was to dial the phone. He could still hear Carter's voice telling him to do it.

And he did it. Something deep was telling him that it was a good idea…

"Hello?"

"Sarah?"

"Yes… Jack is that you?"

"Yep, it's me…"

He sounded so nervous. He couldn't believe it. There was a long pause filled with silence…

"You have a minute?"

"Sure… what's up?"

"Ehm… nothing actually. Just… I was walking through the Washington today and I found a cute coffee shop. You know, the one we visited in 82'. With the best apple cake…"

And she laughed. She actually… laughed.

"Yes, I remember that. We had a great time back then… so you're in Washington now and just got the idea of calling me?"

"Yeah… You can say that... Well I got promoted and now I am in Washington… DC is nice so I don't mind… better than something hot in the middle of the desert."

"So you're really just calling…?"

"Something like that… I just wanted to know how are you and… just talk to you."

"I'm fine, Jack. Well... I'm married and I just adopted Frank's kids from his first marriage."

"That's amazing Sarah… I'm so happy for you."

"Thanks… You know Jack… I'm coming to DC in two weeks for a meeting. I'm supposed to stay for a few days… Maybe I'd be able to stay a bit longer … and…"

"We could meet?"

"If you want to…"

"Sure thing, I would love to. We have a lot to talk about…"

"Okay… I would mail you some details if you want but… you'd have to give me your mail…"

"Oh… just mail it to Lulu and she will take care of it."

"Lulu?"

"Oh crap… Lulu is my secretary… amazing woman. I would be lost without her…. Which reminds me – you think you can bring something really pretty?"

"Why?"

"There's this … dinner or small reception or whatever with the President and few other … people. I should appear there… I actually promised I would. Well and nothing would be better than having a beautiful woman with me."

"Jack what exactly are you doing in Washington?"

"I'm sort of… the Head of Homeworld Security."

"Okay I don't know what's more insane! You are calling me just out of the blue… telling me you are going to have dinner with the President and you make it sound like something… usual. Then you tell me you have a secretary… and that you have a desk job. What happened to the world? Something wrong or I don't know! Oh my..."

And it made him laugh. They talked for another few minutes and it was just okay. It felt so normal. Jack knew he should go... he didn't want to screw up again... But he had to tell her something first.

"Sarah do you remember how you always asked me to come back home?"

"Of course I remember… since the first day… and you always did… you always came back."

"I never truly appreciated what you were trying to say by that. I thought it was just 'don't get hurt you bastard you have a family to take care of' or maybe something like 'I'll be waiting'."

She chuckled... she never got used to his ironic and sarcastic remarks... but he always knew how to make her laugh.

"And now you do?"

"Yeah… I do. I'm so sorry, Sarah… so sorry."

"It's okay… We're okay… and we'll talk and you will take me to some top secret places…"

She most probably wanted it to sound like a joke. Oh she had no idea…

"I will."

"Jack does it mean you have someone that made you realize what it has really meant? Someone you're waiting to come back home? Someone that's waiting for you to come home?"

"I think so… it's… complicated."

"What isn't in your life…"

"Truth… Sarah, mail me the info, okay? And if you don't know where to stay, I can take care of that as well. This job came with some pretty nice benefits… so you might even enjoy your time here... Trust me. But I should go now... I've been bothering you enough already..."

"It's okay… Jack?"

"Yep?"

"I'm glad you called. Really."

"Me too, me too."

And he put down the phone with eyes full of tears. Those big warm tears were running down his cheeks and it didn't feel wrong or stupid. It felt… natural. He could feel another wound deep inside of his heart healing slowly… there would always be a scar… but it would not be bleeding anymore.

Sam was right. Well, no surprises here.

He reached out for a tissue and found some that smelled like chamomile. Oh yeah… that was something he had no idea before. Sam liked those tissues.

During those days when she's been here with him, he realized how little he knew about her. Well they could live together easily, they had to learn that a long ago… with all the time spent together they had to find a way how to make it work… but still there were things, those small innocent things he yet had to discover. But so far they managed to find the best middle road to take every time. They had their compromises. And it felt natural and okay.

When he was about to close his eyes and try to remember some certain memories that included Sam, somebody knocked on his door.

He got a package. Small one. He didn't really know what was inside. He sat down onto his couch again and opened it. There was a letter and another envelope. The letter was from Sam. She didn't even greet him. Well it was not even signed. But he just knew…

"You know I actually know some USAF Generals… I can hear one of them complaining about being old all the time… well… I think it's time for him to realize that after being put through … healing procedures… he has the body of 30 years old man. And he shouldn't even be thinking about mentioning his hair… because you know, I kind of… like the silver. But don't tell him... But hey, desk job doesn't mean he's gonna lose his shape! He should start doing something about those extra pounds… cause you know, certain … important woman of his life would be coming to visit him soon… and let me tell you, she's expecting him to be in pretty good shape. Well and till then? I'm sure she would appreciate some e-mails or letters… you know, something like keeping in touch. Maybe he should start with thinking about some vacation plans… she might be lucky and get a week or maybe even two or three pretty soon… Oh and tell him that if he fears about his pretty busy days… well he should ask his secretary because she could be pretty good in organizing things… Thanks!"

He was really curious about the envelope then. What the hell? And Lulu was involved? What was going on? He would need to have a little chat with Lulu... wow.

There was a permanent card into one fitness center. It was nearby his office. And there was a note along with it.

"Get in shape, flyboy... I'm coming home soon."

He was smiling and his heart was about to burst in excitement.

He walked to his computer and turned it on. There was one mail he had to write. Simple and short.

"You remember the question Carter? You never got the answer… Well, I know a certain General in the USAF that recently got transferred into DC. And you know why he did it? Why he accepted it? There were many reasons, really. But you know the main one? It was because then he would not be in the same chain of command with a certain scientist. As far as I know he's the happiest man in … the Universe now. And you know why? Because he just got a message saying that the ...woman would be coming back to his house. And you know what else? She called that house her home…. Any other questions? Feel free to ask. I'm at your service."

He sent it, grinning and feeling happy. He could see her eyes while reading this… and her smile.

He didn't know why or how he deserved this chance to fix things and have a life… but he was grateful.

For the first time in a very long time he went to bed as a content man with heart filled with hope and love. Suddenly there was something to look forward to again. And he knew he couldn't have asked for more. The house was not a house anymore… it was his home. And she would be coming home … soon…. Oh yeah, to make him go crazy. But he wouldn't have it any other way.

Jack O'Neill, caring, sarcastic man with let's say colorful past was falling asleep, not feeling down or lonely anymore. He felt alive.

* * *

**A/N:** okay… this chapter was a bit tought to write in order to keep it similar to the previous two… but I hope I managed. There is a last one coming along – with A/N and lyrics. Hope you don't mind me ending it here… I think the story is complete like this and doesn't need anything else… if you think otherwise, let me know and we can do something about it.


	4. Chapter 4

So did you guess the song behind? :o) I think you all know it… :o) Hehe… I just love the way the woman sing… '…please come back home….".

As before, there were other possible scenarios that could have based upon this song… but somehow I got the idea about Jack and his past and everything… and here we are.

Hope you're okay with it…

At first it was supposed to be sad, no promises, no happy ending, no hope… but somehow I changed my mind while writing… At first it was supposed to be only about one man with heavy burden on his shoulders and all those painful pleas about coming home… but I couldn't help myself… And as I said – the end still didn't seem to be okay… and then I got the idea of closing the story with Jack calling Sarah… and then it seemed a bit better... and wow... :o)

I know the third chapter was a bit different – more conversations, particular memories… I hope it didn't spoil the story.

This story was … different from the other SG stories I've ever posted. I had to do some research, checking of the dates, I had to write the whole summary ahead – and I usually don't do that… Somehow this story got under my skin and I wanted it to be perfect – nothing less. So I took my time with the writing and everything… Usually I have the idea and I start writing and I have the story and tadaaa… yeah, some thinking is needed while writing multiple-chapter stories… but this one gave me a hard time… but I don't mind. It was actually … welcomed and refreshing… Besides I didn't have much to do at work so… hehe :o))

I just hope you guys think it was worth it.

And I hope you got it – I have nothing against Sarah, she was a fine woman, loving and caring, just having a rough time… and I was always hoping that she would be okay… and that Jack would try to say something and fix their relationship a bit… they cared about each other, we all know that… and they didn't deserve what happened to them… we all saw them in Cold Lazarus… Well she has never done anything wrong… maybe the divorce yeah… but honestly – she didn't have many choices left, did she? I'm not trying to justify her or something… but life is never easy and each of us deals with it differently. And Sarah did what she had to do… as did Jack… hope you get my point ;o)

Okay… I'm waving my bye-bye to this story and I thank you all for all your reactions and suggestions :o)

**Disclaimer** – again – the song is not mine and SG is not mine…

* * *

**FORT MINOR – WHERE'D YOU GO**

_Where'd you go?_

_I miss you so,_

_Seems like it's been forever,_

_That you've been gone._

_She said "Some days I feel like shit,_

_Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"_

_I don't understand why you have to always be gone,_

_I get along but the trips always feel so long,_

_And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,_

_'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,_

_But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,_

_But when I pick up I don't have much to say,_

_So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,_

_That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',_

_Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,_

_Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"_

_I miss you so,_

_Seems like it's been forever,_

_That you've been gone._

_Where'd you go?_

_I miss you so,_

_Seems like it's been forever,_

_That you've been gone,_

_Please come back home..._

_You know the place where you used to live,_

_Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs,_

_Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,_

_But now, you only stop by every once and a while,_

_Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,_

_With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,_

_I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,_

_You can call me if you find that you have something to say,_

_And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,_

_That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',_

_Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,_

_Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"_

_I miss you so,_

_Seems like it's been forever,_

_That you've been gone._

_Where'd you go?_

_I miss you so,_

_Seems like it's been forever,_

_That you've been gone,_

_Please come back home..._

_I want you to know it's a little fucked up,_

_That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',_

_Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,_

_For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,_

_It seems one thing has been true all along,_

_You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,_

_I guess I've had it with you and your career,_

_When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it..._

_Where'd you go?_

_I miss you so,_

_Seems like it's been forever,_

_That you've been gone._

_Where'd you go?_

_I miss you so,_

_Seems like it's been forever,_

_That you've been gone,_

_Please come back home..._

_Please come back home..._

_Please come back home..._

_Please come back home..._

_Please come back home..._


End file.
